Empty Songs with Empty Words

I dont know. Music has always been my comfort zone whenever I have days like these (which isnt too often, being heart broken that is).

But now, as I listen to each and every song I know from the heart, each and every song I belt out, they seem to be empty. I mouth the words with my heart’s content yet they’re empty.

Yes! Am I transforming now to a stone I have dreamt about?! Wow, I’m a living zombie. I should watch Resident Evil once again, it makes the world a little bit different with all these morbidity. (Is morbidity even an allowed word?) 

Yeah, it’s not going to stop if I dont wise-up. And give up.

But the songs, they’re still empty now. As glassy as my eyes stare.

the stratosphere has no oxygen I think

if you read this, I lack oxygen right now. And a brain without oxygen is not a brain at all. It quits functioning as it should be.

And if you’re really leaving me just say goodbye, and not make this hard for me.

But you cant tell me to forget, Not even my lack of oxygen would do that. So if you’re leaving just go. Leave me be. Leave me in misery, leave me like this, but dont go back, just to say once again your goodbyes. It’s devasting enough to hear your voice all over again, let alone that smile. So please dont make it harder for me.

when magic transcends reality

I was explaining to someone, to a korean friend, why is my weekend not good. I said I dont now what would happen, cos I still love him but with everything that happened, I think I will never get to see him again.. But that even if this happened, I could still remember that two weeks, of how he made me feel.

And my friend said, in his own english vocabulary, “Oh he is your magic man”

I had to smile at that.  I knew he was searching for the proper word to describe, but I smiled cos it was perfect.

My Magic Man.

But he isnt mine. I could only have him in my memories.  Yeah he was like a magic. He transcended my reality, broke my ideals of what should be, and im happy cos he taught me to be more open-minded about life. For me, it was indeed magic. And I lost it..

I guess I should have just went mountain climbing. But things are done now. I do not regret ever meeting him, never will. I only regret that this whole charade happened.

the silly dance

It was a roller coaster ride.

Everyone was saying, dont ride it. Dont give it much feelings, dont pour all your soul to it.

But I did. I didnt listen and rode it with all my heart. But like all roller coasters it turns your life upside down. But that was the best I ever felt. If I hadnt given my all to it, If listened, I would not have enjoyed.

So yeah, it was just me and the roller coaster. That is why people cannot ever understand what I felt. What it gave me.

He wasnt a bad guy. He is the best person I know and I ruined the roller coaster. And in the process, I ruined my self Like I always do. If I could only take back everything, I would. If I could only go back in time, Id go back on that Friday night. 

I miss my life when I still could dream about him. Miss my life when all the last thoughts before I fall asleep is him smiling at me.

I would give everything just to see that again. Miss my life when I could still hear his voice saying everything wil be alright. I was given something, and I let it slip away.

And I ruined it. I now know. So please, can anyone tell me how to smile again? 

Cos even after everything, even if I had pushed him away, he’d still be meine liebe. And that cant be taken away from me. I still love him.

on Life 2

I’ve met this person.. for a few weeks I’ve gotten to know him.. and then he disappeared. My whole being was shaken to bits. He just left me hanging in the air. 

But then, for the last time, he appeared again.. and its the first time, I think I’ve gotten to know the real Chris is. What he said, takes real courage to admit something like that, only a man would. No matter how he broke my heart, no matter that now it is better to just part ways and end this silly dance fate played upon me, I know I could never forget each moment.

I could never look at life the way I did, before I met him.

trash talk?

i just love this status message i just said on skype.. to which i know I would be deleting.

“AT LEAST I could say I have a better grammar than most people who are suppose to have one - like those who are so pale it seems like the sun god had forsoken them- Oh! do you actually understand my vocabulary or do you need dictionary.reference.com to internalize what i just said and not have each word reiterated back to you? No offense to my friends, they do know what i am talking about anyway. But yeah, even if you work for a fucking five star hotel- you’re still a hotel boy with english written skills that could not even par to mine. You understand what the word par is?”

Oh yeah special mention to christoph from cologne. that was specially made for you. Or do you actually have feelings to digest what i said? Not to mention the brains without reffering back to ypur dictionary for it.

Yep, dissing you right now. dont worry hardly anyone ever reads my blog.. im not trying thats why.

happy in its most ironic way

I could diss someone right now.

 but I wont. And I know I cant. and he knows it.

i told you stupidity runs rampant.

Was it so wrong to fall in love with someone? Perhaps maybe, if that person sees you as a pawn, in his game.

Then you are just like the rest of the world to him. I dont hate him. I pity him, and how short lived his happiness is.

on life

is happiness that elusive?

that on one moment you think you have it, on all its glory, and then on a wink of an eye, it turns out, life is actually playing games on you.

i only wanted one thing. for someone to see me as i am.

yet what do you know, I’m life’s cruel joke. As i had been in gradeschool, in highschool, then now, when people think I’m made not of flesh but of nothing. It’s like everyone seems to make fun of me.

I’m so tired of running from ghost hauntings. And now, suddenly, i thought i might escape? No. Life still find me his cruel joke.

stupidity is rampant among lifeless forms

yeah, im a lifeless form right now.

I dont know which mirror to look at first - the one whose reflection has stupid written all over me, or the one i’m so afraid of, having lost trust again in myself.

Each and every episode, they all leave me desolate. It eats my confidence and just as I’ve regained it, I get lost again.

confused

If after this, that it turns out that I am being haunted yet again with ghosts that has no sun, I dont know if I will ever learn to trust. I want it so badly to happen cos I lost faith. Now I thought i regain it.. and then only to realized I’m being played yet again? 

Its too much.

about this day.

I am standing at a really really thin line.

Yellowcard, RAJ, are my comforts right now. OR I’m practically becoming mentally incapacitated nowadays?

- ok sorry, I forget to mention I am crazy by nature.

honestly.

Cheese Overload

Idealisms are just always there to be mere reflections of the ideals you think are right. So hence we wish, we hope, we pray for things in our life; and more than often base them on the idealisms our minds have set up. Well, things never happen as we plan and hope them to be, but most of them are always for the better.

Like what’s happening to me right now. It’s crazy yet this is my present – meeting someone so far away, have not seen him, yet the surge of emotions I feel right now is very real. Intangible at the moment, but I close my eyes and I see him. Having a relationship with someone on such grounds; it’s difficult, yes. My ideals have not even made me think I’d be involved with someone like him. Years ago, I would have raised my eyebrow for such thought. But there aspects in life that shows you how often we are wrong. How often we have to change. And on this part of my life, I am almost always, could be really vulnerable. I have never, never imagined I could be what I am today: cheesy.

I’ve always like my spaghetti without cheese on top. But with how things are going on lately, I surprised myself that I am actually capable of being so cheesy. I have never, never been such. Writing upfront my emotions, I’ve always been uncomfortable with that. I’ve always veiled such emotions with words and never make it obvious. I could say I’m pretty good with words. On how I could turn thoughts upside down and have expressed myself with it. I could even deliver it in such a way, metaphorically, that people usually don’t understood what I actually meant.

But the things happening to me, no matter how fast they had been, it’s such a magical frenzy and I could still be caught staring at nothing yet smiling. That is how struck I am.

He wasn’t my ideal guy. Yet no one could have been more perfect.

Ngayon at Kailanman

Surprisingly, a song I have never once appreciated, til guy who never understood each word said in the song, but gave it to me just on instinct alone…

Now and Forever

I promise to love you

Now and Forever

You’ll never be alone

Now and Forever

In suffering and joy

Expect that you’re never alone

I will be there always

Rely on always

Now and Froever

Is it because of you that it was destined?

That I was born to this world

So that in each and every day to be with you always

So that now and forever

To serve you, my chosen one

Why do I love you so much

Second to God

More than my life

Everyday my love for you sweetheart

Becomes more sweeter, more brighter

Each present becomes more than each yesterday

Better with each tomorrow

Would only forget you

If the sun and the stars can’t be seen

If the world stops and ceases to move

But a day more if the world would end

It is up to then that my endless love would end

Now and forever

Everyday my love for you sweetheart

Becomes more sweeter, more brighter

Each present becomes more than each yesterday

Better with each tomorrow

I love you so much, now and forever

Heaven is with you, now and forever

Now and forever

:)

PS - I never thought that people like me could ever be soo damn cheesy..

:P