Empty Songs with Empty Words

I dont know. Music has always been my comfort zone whenever I have days like these (which isnt too often, being heart broken that is).

But now, as I listen to each and every song I know from the heart, each and every song I belt out, they seem to be empty. I mouth the words with my heart’s content yet they’re empty.

Yes! Am I transforming now to a stone I have dreamt about?! Wow, I’m a living zombie. I should watch Resident Evil once again, it makes the world a little bit different with all these morbidity. (Is morbidity even an allowed word?) 

Yeah, it’s not going to stop if I dont wise-up. And give up.

But the songs, they’re still empty now. As glassy as my eyes stare.

the stratosphere has no oxygen I think

if you read this, I lack oxygen right now. And a brain without oxygen is not a brain at all. It quits functioning as it should be.

And if you’re really leaving me just say goodbye, and not make this hard for me.

But you cant tell me to forget, Not even my lack of oxygen would do that. So if you’re leaving just go. Leave me be. Leave me in misery, leave me like this, but dont go back, just to say once again your goodbyes. It’s devasting enough to hear your voice all over again, let alone that smile. So please dont make it harder for me.

when magic transcends reality

I was explaining to someone, to a korean friend, why is my weekend not good. I said I dont now what would happen, cos I still love him but with everything that happened, I think I will never get to see him again.. But that even if this happened, I could still remember that two weeks, of how he made me feel.

And my friend said, in his own english vocabulary, “Oh he is your magic man”

I had to smile at that.  I knew he was searching for the proper word to describe, but I smiled cos it was perfect.

My Magic Man.

But he isnt mine. I could only have him in my memories.  Yeah he was like a magic. He transcended my reality, broke my ideals of what should be, and im happy cos he taught me to be more open-minded about life. For me, it was indeed magic. And I lost it..

I guess I should have just went mountain climbing. But things are done now. I do not regret ever meeting him, never will. I only regret that this whole charade happened.

the silly dance

It was a roller coaster ride.

Everyone was saying, dont ride it. Dont give it much feelings, dont pour all your soul to it.

But I did. I didnt listen and rode it with all my heart. But like all roller coasters it turns your life upside down. But that was the best I ever felt. If I hadnt given my all to it, If listened, I would not have enjoyed.

So yeah, it was just me and the roller coaster. That is why people cannot ever understand what I felt. What it gave me.

He wasnt a bad guy. He is the best person I know and I ruined the roller coaster. And in the process, I ruined my self Like I always do. If I could only take back everything, I would. If I could only go back in time, Id go back on that Friday night. 

I miss my life when I still could dream about him. Miss my life when all the last thoughts before I fall asleep is him smiling at me.

I would give everything just to see that again. Miss my life when I could still hear his voice saying everything wil be alright. I was given something, and I let it slip away.

And I ruined it. I now know. So please, can anyone tell me how to smile again? 

Cos even after everything, even if I had pushed him away, he’d still be meine liebe. And that cant be taken away from me. I still love him.