Toinks

Hindi pa sa ‘ken nagsisink in about what happened last saturday.. nangyare samin sa taas ng bundok at nangyare sa mga Pilipino sa Metro Manila at nearby areas na naapektuhan ng bagyo.

At Dahil nga hindi pa ako nakakapagsulat ng kahit na ano. sasabihin ko nalang muna ang mga kantang kinakatuwaan kong ulit ulitin. Tamang adik lang. If i-checheck mo ang number of plays sa iPod, malalaman mong hindi ako nagsisinungaling kaya wag ka nang kumontra. Anyway eto sila.

1. Just Dance - Lady Gaga

2. Boysboysboys - Lady Gaga

3. Womanizer - Britney Spears

4. Gimme more - Britney Spears

5. Anticipation - Britney Spears

6. Toxic - Britney Spears

7. You drive me Crazy - Britney Spears

8. Circus - Britney Spears (oo na maraming Britney Spears!!) baket ba

9. As Long as you love me - Backstreet Boys

ayoko na sabihin yun iba. mas old school pa. I’ll just do some dance numbers nalang.

Flood still hasnt subsided in most parts and some roads are still unpassable. It’s sad. That’s why I cant bring myself to talk about it. But if I am in the mood, I’ll tell our Balingkilat adventure.. that wild suicidal climb.

:)

Cos I Can Conquer You Balingkilat

You wont be so tough anymore. You looked very ominous when I first sighted you. The dark mountain by the right, peaks covered with gloomy black clouds thundering it’s height. A scenario as if transported from the reels of Sauron’s dominion - tropical version.

But tomorrow you shall be my conquest. Your magnificence will be where I shall borrow strength from.

A good timing to forget the city light’s harrowing metaphors and blurs. No internet, no electricity, none of the superficial and shallow pursuits people busy themselves with.

And then as if to quench my beach yearning, Nagsasa Cove… no matter if this typhoon’s a threat. 

This will be the ultimate nature commune - to be humbled by the forces only God could make.

Why Believe You When You’re A Liar

Plain, basic, english without the hifallutin flair and drama, Why believe you when you’re such a liar?

Ok, what did you say before? That you’d disappear? You blocked me on Skype, I think even changed your Facebook settings, marked my email address as spam so I’ll have no means to contact you ever again. The first week, you have no idea to what depths I’ve undergone to. I have become someone so different, from being a cheesy idiot to a pathetic zombie almost begging you to forgive me and start anew. You, whom someone I have not even met and looked in the eye before. Yes I was different, I became a different person.. I can still feel that now. I’ll never be who I was a month ago. So you’d say you’ll disappear. And so you should had. And not open up once again my anxieties as you are doing right now. I’m trying my best you know, I am trying my damn best to forget you and yet why still get thru me, thru my pages, my place of silence and you have to comment! You said you’d disappear. You can read my blog all you want, content your heart out with it.. but please give me the peace of mind to not say anything again. I dont understand it, I dont understand how you could be so cruel.

Chris, every word you say to me now, you just make me more broken. You continuously hurt me, you’re like my vicous cycle I need to go out from. You continuously break my soul yet I admit.. you might still be the only person who could repair that. But I dont need your obligatory remarks and pity. Dont say a word. If you want to really go, don’t linger around and just go.

So see, I’m still begging… that if you have nothing more for me, just let me live my life as how I cope up with it. Please. I’ve only began to smile a bit and here you are with your comments. I dont need those.

Please stop breaking me more. 

Oh yes, he was horrible

And he is. Why? Cos he made me cry! He made me hope yet shattered it. I had a stoic life before he came. And when he did, he showed how wonderful it is to be alive. But when he left, he took everything away from me; from a stoic life to nothing. I am just floating right now, devoid of emotions. He became a bunch of lies at the end. Oh well, I’m still trying to cope up.

But he did gave me something; left me something. That is to strive to be better than what I had. My skills. My speaking and writing skills. Oh yes, I am proud of that. But then our conversations opened a gateway for me to realized the rooms of improvements I could do. Why am I suddenly writing this? Well, I was speaking to my boss. I became conscious of how I should deliver my speaking and vocabulary, without the “pinoyish” conversation ofunconsciously saying “uhh” and “uhm” or “what’s that / word…” when one can’t think of the better or the suitable word to finish or complete the sentence we’re making. I was suddenly careful and conscious with how I speak.

I said before, there is no coincidence why we meet each and every person on this planet. Now at least I was enlightened why I have to meet Chris and have him broken my spirit (yes, not just my heart dum dum).

It’s ok… it’s because of this episode that I have suddenly realized the potentials I could tap on. 

Special, I thought you were

It was a goodbye even when the hello wasnt spoken yet.

It’s my silent moment, a phase when time lapses reality. Each second are magnified by the vast void. Every emotion spent almost does not exist. That is what I meant by floating. I sit amongst the clouds, my eyes leveled with their soft tangles, looking below the playful lights way down and its suppose to be exhilarating. I feel nothing. I can listen to music now without difficulty, I even sing along now. And then sing the songs of those yesterday. I no longer cry. But  it always dons on me for each who always say they like me, I could only give my replayed smile. I could not bring to really smile. I guess I still miss that guy. Looking at present and from the past, and even when he was still around, I knew he would be one of a kind. 

Why am I writing this? I don’t know. I was sleeping a while ago, woke up, and found this song ringing in my head. I didn’t cry, I just felt sad… I guess I just missed him suddenly.

Step by step

Well.

Pretty sleepy now. My pop-side manifests when I am in that mood -  timewarping my music to the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears bubblegum era. Yes I’m guilty, but at least im being honest that I listen to such once in a while.. the poppiness of it all.

Cos, hmm, if you’re in a floating phase, what better music to hear than those that make you float with glazed eyes?

And I’m still sleepy.

The Cosmo CellBlock 69

What a night it is. A parade of gorgeous, yummy looking boys, wet, and practically wearing…

Anyway this isnt my usual preferred scenario, but what the heck, this happens only for a year for me; to feast my eyes on guys having such physique that one could drool just staring at them.

Oh and what a sight the event is.

I noticed though that a lot of middle eastern guys were rostered… not bad bunch just not my taste. I’d bet my Danish treat would have whooped everyone on site/sight. tsk. The thanksgiving bunny that it was. On that, I’d only smile.. and that’s what I did earlier. 

Now that was yummy. Hahaha, the Malapascua adventure is. (something i wouldnt dare do again.)

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Yes, I am a Fan of this nick animation series.

And yes, I am deeply anticipating the release of the movie next year! (M. Night, you better did the Avatar justice or a lot will be deeply disappointed!! More than the disappointment I met from the last films you released!)

Anyway, I am very, very annoyed with James Cameron, and why wouldnt I? He is cheating out on the name for his latest movie! Why make his movie named Avatar, when the REAL Avatar is scheduled and undergoing production already?!!

It would definitely confused a lot of Avatar fans at first sight as it did to me. 

Solace

It’s not that I’m coming in terms with myself. Not that I’m no longer sad, yet I am not happy either. I am just in the middle of this two colliding matters.

Maybe floating? But its ok, I feel neither yet its calming. 

I walk this earth without the feelings I once had, and its tranquility.. I feel my head is becoming clear to the things I should be doing, and what I am meant to do. Slowly amidst this floating, I am closing in to a reality I have eluded for quite some time. To go on in life and stop being such a child, to stop living in my fictitious world I wanted.

Maybe, I encountered those past days because of this. It may meant giving up the company of the friends I cherish, the comfort of my family who silently supports me, and my passion of things that I can only do if I am here in the Philippines… but I am feeling, my reality here is coming to an end… and that my fate calls me to somewhere else.

I want to use this solace, to start my life as it should be.

Transforming Transformers

“Punk-Ass Decepticon, any last words..” I wish i could say that to some decrepit right now before I whack his head.

Oh, man, I dont feel well today. I feel bored and tired, and bored and sleepy. And I dont feel good, My back still hurts.

Questions

You said I took away something which is US.. I cant even distinguish right and wrong anymore.

Cos what you dont know, amidst this obligated feelings which would be the only truth for you now, is what you took away from me. You took my smile, my belief, my life. And what you took away would not make the scales in even.

So I dont care anymore. Just run, like the coward that you are Chris.

Oblivious

I know I have to go, I know I have to move on, but I’m floating.

For someone I dont even know If he still thinks of me.

With after every word, I know I am no longer wanted. 

And yet, here I am still lingering.

I hate this life. I want to escape but how?

I thought I could get this over with meeting anyone, but I cant. 

What did you do to me that I cant even see myself with anyone anymore… at least before it was a blur whenever I get my heart broken, knowing one I would get to meetsomeone who would honestly and finally care for me..

Now I get my heart broken again.. and I cant even picture it.

What did you do to me?

Prayer

I will not attempt to even say a line.

I will not attempt to even say a line.

I will not attempt to even say a line.

If I do, then where is dignity.

Up or Down

I am still contemplating whether I will go camping with the gang on top of the mountain or stay at the jump off and just do beach camping…

I have always dreamt of that. At least San Juan wasnt tainted with the thought of camping there with a guy who had ridiculously mislead me. Now I practically lost interest on Anawangin and Potipot - two of my dream camping places!

but nevertheless, I know I would still go there someday, to face the ghost haunt at first and then a second time to be myself and enjoy!

Untitled (July 6, 2005)

One of my favorites.. I realize now how I came up with nice pieces when Im dow, that each line I wrote, is intricately strung in frustrations, depression, and sadness. 

But well, this poem, was an outcome a feeling from long ago, coinciding with a painting I was doing back then.. the last one that I did…

no longer a dream of your imagination
i step back, smiles abide
sitting far from your solitude
i do none but stare

so cold those eyes were
as if nothing is left
as if there was no yesterday
as if i was none.

keep playing the reel in my mind
when i use to pass by
eyes straight in my own hopeless chaos
not even minding whose smoke it was.
Because i walk before
without happiness
without longing
without guilt
without remorse.

So time flies,
Leaves fall.
Like spring coming back to the harshness of the winter
Like rays of the sunshine
Turning back to the coldness and black of the night. 

reference link to my deviant account.

Sunshine in my Midnight (March 30 2004)

I never thought, writing this five years ago, would exactly be the feeling I have right now.. so perfect for each line, perfect for its title, perfect for the very thoughts and tale my last few weeks have woven into place. It is so scary how five years ago onto that night, remembering as I sit in the darkness, writing in my pages, staring blankly at the sky for reclamation. On that roof, five years ago, that I wrote something for what is today.

You go to the west
I’m only in the east.
Binded by the stars
Fated by the wind.
As the moonlight follow the steps
we dance the realm.
But the hand takes heed,
Reflection vanishes,
You are nothing but an illusion.
Can you be anything but a dream?
Light cascades upwards
Stroking the lashes unabashed
No one in the eyes.
Tainted as dark as the shadow of the moon,
Blindly i seek
what everything would be.
everything i hoped,
everyhting i prayed
Not to go silent into the night.
Too much am i asking?
Candles in the mountain,
Jewels in my sky,
strolling by,
For every night you seek,
answers from the wind.
Night taking its toll
Dreams
Questions
Unfaltered.

reference link to my deviant account.

Untitled 1 (june 30 2004)

See how my life remains the same, I go back to my old poems, and there, my past lives each and every line of my present.

Here it is..

The world falls in an unending oblivion
The stars dawne to their mornings,
finally comes to realize the atrocity in it.
Is it coming to a stop?
Or I’m just losing my sense of reason?

Standing on a fine line
I walk the unknown.
Sun shines above
I cant see anything.
I see their touch but i cant feel anything.
I watch the world from below,
Everything isnt what it is.
Hiding under the cloth of music,
The peace it gives.

I’ve stopped looking
I’m glad.
But still unable to express my thoughts
Does that make me insane?
I guess so
Do i still need the reason
Just to go beyond my boundaries?

Perhaps of death?
But how would the world respond to that?
If i would go out in the open,
Do things i hindered doing
Afraid of criticism and ridicule
Wouldnt it be too much for the rationality of what the society might call normal? 

reference link from my deviantart acount.

What about skype 2

I said I dont want to refer anymore to someone.

He did asked me to grow up, I said, he should do it as well.

He said, doesnt he has the right to read public blogs? Of course he has, but you are now attacking me. I have the right to say what I want here, especially since this is my own blogpage. If you have yours, I dont know! For all I know you’re dissing me right now there. Why? Are you so worried that I’ll say your complete name here? Dont worry, I wont stoop to such cheapness. My mother didnt raise me to be like that. What I say here I just for me to be able to breathe. The words I say here, I cant even say to my friends - I told you they dont read this, nobody almost does!

Please. If you want to read my blog, you’re welcome to.. just leave me alone. If you get affected, by something, be a man enough for once to tell it to me directly. 

Dont you think its tiring already. Everything you say, it just makes the hurt more profound. Have you always been like that? pouring salt on wounds just so you could say and reason to yourself you’re this kind of person, so it gives you the right to run away and hurt other people’s feelings. I hope the next time you make someone special again, I hope you dont run and leave her as you did me.

I see that you have unblocked me. Thank you, that’s a start Chris. I could only promise you I wont send you a line anything now at all… you already took much of my dignity for me to just chase a faceless wind. 

Whatever I write here, it’s my sanctuary. This is me. And if you can’t handle it, then dont read. If you get affected, go find a punching bag or so. Cos it would have been better if you just didnt say you love me.

But this is life, this is my life. What we had wasnt the one that was crazy actually.. I realized now what is crazy… it’s that I actually believed someone would loved me.

At long last!

I’m still contemplating whether to go with the gang or leave by the sea side, even if alone, at least that’s the beach! I’d go beach camping even if alone!

Sorry, my regret I wasnt able to join this weekend. I had a mental psychological breakdown that it just became inevitable for me to go!! I dont want to become a liability again, Oh no not like what happened in Mt Batulao.. oh boy lacking oxygen and dehydration.. !! I didnt want it so I cancelled. My regret now specially after seeing the pics.. Hmm! I miss Reds and Crich… The Red team! Perhaps it was ok.. I didnt get to see how cheesy they were! hehehe

But yeah This coming weekend Im still undecided.. 

Aha but Balingkilat is on the list!! hooooo!! That is a pretty tough cookie! Need to stop Yosi, I would need the lung power!!

And learn how to pack light. Tsk! Mt Balingkilat, the ominous one beside Cinco Picos, the one which looks like a foresaken mountain from middle earth! 

Oh but they say the camping grounds there are nice! full view of the Cinco Picos and everything… let’s go trav to Talisayin!! Beach!!!

Tragically Misleading

I was trying to post something here hours ago- when I was in the office.. a yet again self pity thing about the blah blah of my life.

About some signs and whatever I would want to believe in just to get past this. Oh I did get the sign.. And I even said Id wait a week for it, a reply of whatever after that last line I sent. And how quick it got back to me. It should have been on the positive side. That if I get this sign, it only means I have something to fight for. That is what I have suppsedly written. But you see, I wasnt able to post it - intermittentinternet connection (damn that globelines!) Saying, Id post it later tonight when I got back home so I saved the entry in my mail drafts.

But I never posted it. Something occured to me. I dont know what exactly that I cant elaborate on it, but then heck, what my life had been is just a series of incoherency (is this a word?! incoherency. my your vocabulary is getting rusty).

So that wishing for a sign should count.. well of course it should. But I now see, how futile it would be. 

It’s tiring to chase people when they dont like you anymore. How many times have I been in this vicious cycle.. of chasing them because of fear that for once again, of being rejected.  Of being alone.

A blink of an eye about a two weeks of nothing.. quoting a someone actually. Whenever I get too deep, I got out of control. That has been my weakness. I guess somehow I could see properly. I didnt want to leave that sanctuary I was in for the last week.. it was the best I have ever had. I looked for a sign to know if he still loves me or likes me, I got it. I guess he does. But the pain of being rejected still remains.. I guess what I did to him isnt forgivable and I can understand. People have their own differences so no one could judge anyone regarding the issues they face in life. People could only advice, but to judge, no one has the right to.

We also all have our decisions to make. A few hours ago I was indignant on having him back.. whatever it takes. But slowly it dawned on me, I have no right. This destiny, was never mine to even imagine. Of how I long to actually feel his skin, his face, to touch the ripples of his almost always capped hair, to look into his eyes and get lost in his perpetual smile.. it was never mine. And I have to accept it. If I dont, Id just be lost again. I guess its better to feel numb than being lost.

Numb? Yeah. Why? Because I see now the power I have on men, i never even realized on the first place. I see now how I can manipulate.. that if I only want to, I could actually perfect its art. But I know it wouldnt be me. No hurt and heartache would drive me to such low life levels. I am what I am right now. And I dont need anyone to prove that to.

But I realize, each smile I now project, how empty they are. I wonder how long this would last. It’s ok though. Though I cant smile truthfully, people wont know. It doesnt matter.

I dont know what I’ll be. But I hope, this will be the last time I would refer to him. I love him I do, but I’m only doing this to not prolong the hurt I feel inside. I may call it hiding.. Im going to bury now deep within me what I should be feeling. I honestly wish you have happy life Chris, if you still continue to read my blog. Thank you. Always smile,

I do wish you’ll get meet Eva Longoria.. why not. Have a happy journey and dont spend it too much on running. I love you.. signing off.