Tragically Misleading

I was trying to post something here hours ago- when I was in the office.. a yet again self pity thing about the blah blah of my life.

About some signs and whatever I would want to believe in just to get past this. Oh I did get the sign.. And I even said Id wait a week for it, a reply of whatever after that last line I sent. And how quick it got back to me. It should have been on the positive side. That if I get this sign, it only means I have something to fight for. That is what I have suppsedly written. But you see, I wasnt able to post it - intermittentinternet connection (damn that globelines!) Saying, Id post it later tonight when I got back home so I saved the entry in my mail drafts.

But I never posted it. Something occured to me. I dont know what exactly that I cant elaborate on it, but then heck, what my life had been is just a series of incoherency (is this a word?! incoherency. my your vocabulary is getting rusty).

So that wishing for a sign should count.. well of course it should. But I now see, how futile it would be. 

It’s tiring to chase people when they dont like you anymore. How many times have I been in this vicious cycle.. of chasing them because of fear that for once again, of being rejected.  Of being alone.

A blink of an eye about a two weeks of nothing.. quoting a someone actually. Whenever I get too deep, I got out of control. That has been my weakness. I guess somehow I could see properly. I didnt want to leave that sanctuary I was in for the last week.. it was the best I have ever had. I looked for a sign to know if he still loves me or likes me, I got it. I guess he does. But the pain of being rejected still remains.. I guess what I did to him isnt forgivable and I can understand. People have their own differences so no one could judge anyone regarding the issues they face in life. People could only advice, but to judge, no one has the right to.

We also all have our decisions to make. A few hours ago I was indignant on having him back.. whatever it takes. But slowly it dawned on me, I have no right. This destiny, was never mine to even imagine. Of how I long to actually feel his skin, his face, to touch the ripples of his almost always capped hair, to look into his eyes and get lost in his perpetual smile.. it was never mine. And I have to accept it. If I dont, Id just be lost again. I guess its better to feel numb than being lost.

Numb? Yeah. Why? Because I see now the power I have on men, i never even realized on the first place. I see now how I can manipulate.. that if I only want to, I could actually perfect its art. But I know it wouldnt be me. No hurt and heartache would drive me to such low life levels. I am what I am right now. And I dont need anyone to prove that to.

But I realize, each smile I now project, how empty they are. I wonder how long this would last. It’s ok though. Though I cant smile truthfully, people wont know. It doesnt matter.

I dont know what I’ll be. But I hope, this will be the last time I would refer to him. I love him I do, but I’m only doing this to not prolong the hurt I feel inside. I may call it hiding.. Im going to bury now deep within me what I should be feeling. I honestly wish you have happy life Chris, if you still continue to read my blog. Thank you. Always smile,

I do wish you’ll get meet Eva Longoria.. why not. Have a happy journey and dont spend it too much on running. I love you.. signing off.

What about skype?

I still am not going to block you.

Escape on that, but that wont do it for me. If one day I will going to escape everything it would be somewhere. Well not Bahrain, especially with you in there. No. 

But not thru blocking you from Skype. You tell me to grow up, do it as well.

Insomnia 2

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it was a good night and in 43 minutes I have to get to work.

And I am what I am right now, suppose to be rested because of a long weekend but im not. 

And I guess the only male that loves me with passion is my rabbit. 

He wont even sleep if Im up awake and moping like this. 

What a nice life.

Insomnia

I need to get that med Mo is suggesting.

How could I got sleep with ghosts haunting me. How could I when each and every memory is as clear as the waters from Malapascua. I am a wreck.

And I cover it up like a damn wall as I had been for the past years. I have been used to that. And then I met this guy, who could just read me like an open book? 

Cant he see I cant live my days without him? Why? Just when I wanted to feel nothing, he goes back at me, and make me crumble all the more. Do you like it so much to see me like such? To see me broken as I am right now? NO. You cant keep on saying I am strong when I am not! Dont envy me. There is nothing about me to be envious about. I feel such a trash right now. Doing all this this dissing on people I dont know just to feel hate. But I only hate myself. So tell me what is so envious on that? On being such a facade to whom everyone I meet. You always read me like you’ve been there all my life. I hadnt beg before I hadnt, altered my life like this before.

And you turned me upside down. When all I wanted is for you love me.

And you did.

And I ruined it. 

And now you’re gone.

You are, my forever. And all you cant think about is running away. You said I didnt give you a chance. That was my mistake, and now you’re now you’re not giving me any. Dont tell me I dont deserve that. Do you think, your voice deceive me?

All I am asking is that just please love me. From somewhere. From some time.

I really dont care where you are. 

You’d still be my great love. And you cant take that away from me. Because I really dont think I’ll be able to feel this much to anyone after this dance. Even if the music had stopped, I still have my memories. Id be a stone for everyone to see. But realize you’ll still remain to be my love. If you want to run away from it, do so now. Cos even if you come back here and read my sanctuary, you’d find nothing but a stone. 

You do running away from everything as a perfection? Then see me like this like a fucking meteor, a comet, people thinking shining in the sky but is actually made of ice and cold bits of stone.

Yeah, be the bitch. Like I wasnt used to people thinking me of that.

I am nothing Chris. Just nothing before I met you. So thank you. You’ve shown me a great deal how it is to feel alive. Just for a few moments. And it felt eternity. All I’m asking is, be brave enough. If you really do love me, just stand up for it. People make mistakes, me! Especially from someone who is so imperfect. But yeah,you’re now gone right? What would it mean anyway. What would this blog mean anyway.

Like I’m just talking to myself. Well, like I always do. You were the one who never gave me a chance. Live on that. Live on it thinking someone across the planet thinks about you this much. That someone did love you this much. 

Because I would. Have a happy life. I wish, hope and pray, you’d find the perfect person with whom you would love and cherish, and make her feel, the same way you did for me. 

I was fighting, and you never gave me a chance cos u gave up on me. 

In the end, it is still me losing. But thank you, cos u were the most, wonderful I would ever meet. And I am thankful cos in a way my prayers were answered in the most ironic way. You see how could I hate someone to whom God showed me that He listens to people’s wishes? You were that, and you just didnt know how you made my life so worth while.

Who Me?

This is really kick you know.

I mean I should have met this guy a long time ago, cos just wow, so this is how it feels like to feel nothing. Maybe there’s hate somewhere inside and that I’m suppressing it? But to whom? Me? Him? The world? I just feel so blank.

So long ago, I have so wanted to get this. Or maybe I’m just in an acceptance, denial, blah blah phase, but what the heck. It’s a bliss I could almost cry.

So way different when I got my heart broken from before. Like for instance the first. Yes, so after dumping me for younger (and what?) version, I was on rage.  Nope, my solution back then was not to find a another guy, it never was my style. I said to myself I would get over, without having an attention from someone else. And so I did. But I was still in rage. I was soo dammned angry, I always contemplate going to his place just to slap him. But I didnt. It was just a nice imagination. Still, I was in rage. I still feel something, Second well, I dont count it as a second since he was never mine anyway, but however I was hurt, I was able to move on cos someone came. Tho, the months before that, I didnt hate him the same way I hate myself. My hate for him was like a miniscule level compared to the disgust i felt for myself on ever feeling anything for that guy knowing all along it was stupid in the first place. And so the last came, the last one that I could actually feel in reality. Well he wasnt a bad person, just that I needed to be kept a secret for the entire world.. So it was like an affair. Yeah I can call it that way. And yet again, I am angry at myself for ever falling and being very vulnerable.

Maybe gullible is the right word. hehe.

Oh well, so you see, there’s always a feeling involved in the aftermath of each and everything… BUT now??

Surprise… It was a faster than a hurricane swirl ’soap opera’ as he called it.Everything just swirled. And then it got out of hand, maybe pre-meditated as I’ve now realized since friday I was blocked already from his list. It didnt occur to me. Man, when I am so besothed even the skills I learn from watching countless espionage films, it gets past me. So ok going back.. And now, what I am? I am feeling nothing.

I guess just like a stone. Hmm, this is really refreshing. But hey! They all have something in common!

They all dispatched me! Hahaha. Oh sorry, Not with Mr secret, I left the picture why cant he understand its so damn frustrating?

Like I’ve had a normal relationship.

Yeah hear me blog! No one reads this anyway so haha!