Tragically Misleading

I was trying to post something here hours ago- when I was in the office.. a yet again self pity thing about the blah blah of my life.

About some signs and whatever I would want to believe in just to get past this. Oh I did get the sign.. And I even said Id wait a week for it, a reply of whatever after that last line I sent. And how quick it got back to me. It should have been on the positive side. That if I get this sign, it only means I have something to fight for. That is what I have suppsedly written. But you see, I wasnt able to post it - intermittentinternet connection (damn that globelines!) Saying, Id post it later tonight when I got back home so I saved the entry in my mail drafts.

But I never posted it. Something occured to me. I dont know what exactly that I cant elaborate on it, but then heck, what my life had been is just a series of incoherency (is this a word?! incoherency. my your vocabulary is getting rusty).

So that wishing for a sign should count.. well of course it should. But I now see, how futile it would be. 

It’s tiring to chase people when they dont like you anymore. How many times have I been in this vicious cycle.. of chasing them because of fear that for once again, of being rejected.  Of being alone.

A blink of an eye about a two weeks of nothing.. quoting a someone actually. Whenever I get too deep, I got out of control. That has been my weakness. I guess somehow I could see properly. I didnt want to leave that sanctuary I was in for the last week.. it was the best I have ever had. I looked for a sign to know if he still loves me or likes me, I got it. I guess he does. But the pain of being rejected still remains.. I guess what I did to him isnt forgivable and I can understand. People have their own differences so no one could judge anyone regarding the issues they face in life. People could only advice, but to judge, no one has the right to.

We also all have our decisions to make. A few hours ago I was indignant on having him back.. whatever it takes. But slowly it dawned on me, I have no right. This destiny, was never mine to even imagine. Of how I long to actually feel his skin, his face, to touch the ripples of his almost always capped hair, to look into his eyes and get lost in his perpetual smile.. it was never mine. And I have to accept it. If I dont, Id just be lost again. I guess its better to feel numb than being lost.

Numb? Yeah. Why? Because I see now the power I have on men, i never even realized on the first place. I see now how I can manipulate.. that if I only want to, I could actually perfect its art. But I know it wouldnt be me. No hurt and heartache would drive me to such low life levels. I am what I am right now. And I dont need anyone to prove that to.

But I realize, each smile I now project, how empty they are. I wonder how long this would last. It’s ok though. Though I cant smile truthfully, people wont know. It doesnt matter.

I dont know what I’ll be. But I hope, this will be the last time I would refer to him. I love him I do, but I’m only doing this to not prolong the hurt I feel inside. I may call it hiding.. Im going to bury now deep within me what I should be feeling. I honestly wish you have happy life Chris, if you still continue to read my blog. Thank you. Always smile,

I do wish you’ll get meet Eva Longoria.. why not. Have a happy journey and dont spend it too much on running. I love you.. signing off.