Blast from the Past

how do I interpret this? In the language I was surrounded with as I grew up or in the one I best express my thoughts with? Either way, Nothing, no one, had fully comprehended the waves my brain, my thoughts, my feelings, had said.

I feel weird… when I know I shouldnt really be. I am a mess again. Perhaps semi.. all these years that passed by, it hasnt readied me what I would feel to see the person who woke up hope in me. The person who drastically change who I was for the better. After almost three years, I couldnt pretend to say, I wasnt affected with his presence. I became.. afraid.

It became surreal for me.  My problem? Once I get succombed in this psych vortex, i know, there is the strong urge for me that I wouldnt get out… And I am afraid for myself. Am i afraid of a possibility that I could get happy? No.. I just know there is no possibilities with me. I am broken. I became more so when he left me. I am just an expert in hiding myself.

I am… an enigma to myself.

Book of Days

Maybe there just things in this world, you simply just can’t explain.

Devoid of time and space, people feel things out of the ordinary.

Of why we linger in irony and questions that has no reality.

How each chapter of our lives fade to each yesterdays we can no longer go back to.

If one is lost in each continuum, where do we get back to stand on?

Fated to the stars I can only but stare,

As I imagine the dust gathering at my feet

Can this be my forever’s oblivion?

Where do I go from here?

Questions I could only whisper to the wind.

Sunset

Three or Four months ago, I fell in love with these two spectacular places that I could go to without riding the plane. Two beach places, one a cove, one an island, I dreamed of going to one day.. even if alone. I’ve countlessly pursued each and every opportunity that I thought camejust so I could go there. Cos as you see, it would be actually expensive cos of the boat ride. Those places are Anawangin Cove and Potipot Island. I love them so much,that everyday, I looked those places up, imagine myself feeling the sand under my toes, and it makes my day better. After all, from Manila these places are only like 4-6 hours away. Very, very possible.

Three or four months ago, they were my inspiration.. they are always in my words. 

Now, I think of them with sad thoughts.

I dont think I can no longer go there alone.

Once in the middle of those three to four months ago, I gladly hold on, and postponed my dream of going there cos someone said he’d go there with me. And I smiled.

But fairy tales do not end well you see. And now, to go either of which would only make me quiver. Perhaps I would still bring a wine. A Merlot or a Shiraz. Then wait for the sunset. Or perhaps not.

Violin or Cello Strings?

I am soo strung up. Well, I’ve pretty much admitted to that a long time ago.

And I’ve always said to myself I always have this gut feeling about if someone doesnt like me.

But something just occured to me.

Maybe.. this isnt an extra-ordinary superhuman talent of sensing things but simply a case of stupid paranoia brought about by the recesses of my life’s joy and happiness of being the star cast of each alienation gloriously focused on me. 

Someone asked, “why do u shove people away?”

I honestly dont know the precise and exact answer to that. For minutes I stared at the question asked of me. I wanted to say my life story as an excuse to justify that action. I know it wasnt a reason, it wasnt right… but that is the only thing I can do to not prolong agony. Life’s lesson taught me that. I wasnt a confident person. I am not a strong person. They may perceive me to be. That is the reason why these walls are rectified. Shoving people away, is my means to strengthen this wall. 

I want to tell that to my friend, that moving away from those who remind me of my past is my means of coping up. 

And saying those devious words, I know what reaction I might get from that. I need the majority of that group to hate me, to think somewhat ill of me before I go. Perhaps its a stupid thing to do.. but then again, if I only went away without roughing the waters, I’m afraid I might come back. I love mountain climbing, and if I return, I would be sucked in again in that vicious cycle of pitying myself, of feeling I am yet again casted out. Maybe everybody doesnt do that to me… I could only think of two people who unconsciously does that from the group. But its eating me. Those two guys are center of that world. What am I?

Psychologically incapacitated you might say of me. Well, dont say I didnt declare that the nth time. 

Like I said, those are not reasons.. but I need my coping up to live my life as normal as I could. Its very hard to completely forget ghosts that used to haunt me… it was never easy.

Of being ridiculed and bullied, each and everyday of my life in school. Of having no friends to trust cos the one I thought was a friend literally stole from me cos of her envy of my grades soaring past her. Of being bluntly humiliated infront of other colleagues by someone expressingly ignoring my existence on the table and smirking right at it. To mention a few.

People might say forget it and Grow up. I did. And this is how I do it. Shutting them out, instead of letting them hurt me.

Layag

Anu nga ba ang pakiramdam kung sakaling natanto mo na sa isang iglap, hindi mo na kailangang intindihin at isipin ang nagpapabigat sa kalooban mo?

Parang isang layag.

Sa isang iglap, nawala ang batong nagpipigil para makaandar ang bangka mo. Naging malaya ang layag.

Hindi ko sinasabing lubos ang kasiyahan ko sa nangyaring ito. May mga taong nawala, mga bagay na hindi ko na mababalikan na minsa’y naging centro ng buhay ko - ang pagakyat ng bundok. Marahil naging makasaysayan ang petsang iyon, ang pagdating ni Ondoy, at ang akyat na iyon ay naging hudyat para makita ko ang talagang kailangan kong gawin sa buhay ko. Tama nang binigyan kong tuldok ang baga ng aking pamumundok… sa lakas ng hangin at ulan noong gabing iyon, namatay sa Balingkilat ang bagang iyon. Hindi ko maintindihan pero akma na sigurong ang Balingkilat na ang aking tuldok. Napapanahon.

Mahirap.

Masaya.

Nakakabaliw.

Nakakalungkot.

Ika nga ng isang dating kaibigan, makikilala mo nga sa bundok ang mga totoong ugali ng mga tao. Tama sya.. pero sa lupa din lumalabas kung anu nga ba ang ugaling iyon.

Hindi ko makakalimutan ang bawat yugto ng buhay ko sa pagakyat. Ang mga lugar, mga nakilala, mga naging kaibigan.. umukit na sila diwa ko. Pero may mga bagay na hanggang dun nalang ang kanilang pamamalagi. Paminsan minsan, namumulat din ang ating mga mata sa mga bagay-bagay na dapat nang iwanan at talikuran.

Tired. Just tired.

I’ve recently let go of something that became a center of my activities. Seems like for some odd reason, one by one, they all fade away.. people, activities I do, that for some time I mostly indulged in and at certain moments, prioritized over my self being. Is there something wrong with me or the universe is just working its forces, for me to see step by step what I should be doing with my life. That one at a given time, I am being shown the ways and signs for something more grand and better.. the way that I could accept it in a more understanding way because there is nothing else that would hinder me from realizing that future.

First was a person I oddly deeply cared about even if his stay was shortlived in my life. But he fade away and the emotions I spent was more from those who had passed me by. He made waves to my whole being in a such a short span of time. That is why I called it odd. And then now, my climbing activities.. I’ve given it up. I may still find myself carrying that bag of mine to someplace but I know the passion died. I am sad, but still, I see it in a perspective more acceptable. Because i know they all played a role and the reasons why such things happen now. They’re becoming my keys to something more. To something I only could realize after going thru the phases of them fading away from my life.

And right now, I am tired. Physically, I do have fever.. and so it mentally wears me down.. but not as much as the tireness the charade I was recently involved in. Tho no matter, I dont hold it in my hands each person’s capacity to understand my words nor my actions. They may call me names, I dont care anymore. After all, from what I have been thru, this is but a trivial situation compared to the long ago scenarios and past hurt flung to my face. What they did now, is just a pinch compared to the stab wounds scarring my back.

So I could only smile. I have nothing actually. Just myself, friends and family who truly cares. And with each thank you I bestow as goodbye, they are said in utmost honesty, as they to whom I said thank you, all showed me what life is.

Rush

I am doing something at last. Something I call a tangible area of my “expertise.”

So I was my usual self when Im doing such tasks… too involved and my nose perked up near my 22″ monitor - yes I know it would make my eyes very very unhappy - when suddenly there it was.

I felt this rush.

This feeling of unrelenting bliss.

Of being able to smile without so much palor to it.

I am not sure what triggered it, as I am too focused on this images to be edited.. but there they were, the past came rushing back to me and I suddenly felt happy cos it happened to me and even if I was so damned angry when I was experiencing them before, a sudden comfort came over me. Like it was saying, “yes they happened to you. They mocked, laughed, talked behind your back, they left you, they trampled on you.. they were painful.”

The Span of my lifetime’s pain from those childhood hurt to what people around me now does.. they are now nothing. I am like the wisps of fog drifting in and out of reality. And I feel elated. I no longer care. From the office, to the mountains, I realized, they will always be the same and I dont care anymore. I am this. I want to cry right now of mixed emotions… of remembering each and every stab of pain inflicted on me but at the same time cry from this abyss of bliss brought by my ephipany. 

I am joyous, I am hurt. I am human, yet I look at them with glassy stares. They no longer exist in my realm.

The World as it is NOW

Well, my eyes are popping. Im doing timesheets and it sucks plus not to mention having a really crazy discussion with someone whom is very “smart” in a close minded way and would not budge and pronounces his intellectual capacity is way over everybody. Anyway, I just scratched my nose. Im becoming demented over those timesheets and such discussions. Why cant I just blabber about boys; that’s a more profound talk. Right.

Well, as I’ve said, my eyes were popping out. I hate timesheets and especially if you slept at almost three am andit was the first day at work with DST adjusting to an hour earlier, following Aussie time when your in Manila. How much coffee do you think I need? Talk about the zombie from the Land of the Dead.

And then I stumbled upon these sites linking to some Virtual Girlfriend stuff. What the effin-k?!! Virtual Girlfriend?! How pathetic is that?! That is more pathetic than men asking a cam2cam s*x, their wonderful glorious introduction of their manhood. The testosterone boost-up ego. Like yeah, girls would just succomb to their demands? Yes some are demandingly rude. Is it because of their race, culture where women are suppose to be good only in the kitchen and bed? Geez. I guess i would die an old maid. BUT at least I would die so not having to lower my standard or weaken my personality only to indulge men who finds me having a very strong personality. Then again, maybe they are too weak for me. Oh well, if they cant handle me, bye then. 

From Virtual Girlfriend to the rumored Nigerian baby factories which “illegally breeds” (that’s their term,what are they now dogs or cats? Or Llamas?) babies for couples who could not have children. They might as well said “couples who could not breed.” Oh well. The world. Now.

No words, I’m speechless

Everything is still devastating.

I cant get myself to write words about what has happened. And what is happening. Now the anticipation of this super typhoon Parma is bringing dread to every one’s hearts and mind. I cannot say I could sympathize much with most Filipinos as I didnt experience my house being flooded. Thank God for it. But just all I can do is pray and then help as much as I can for those who are still suffering Ondoy’s onslaught last saturday.

To write about those suffering is depressing. Not just a sad story but this is horrorific to even describe. I feel that as if there’s a huge stone in the middle of my chest.. maybe that’s why I cant still my head to write about it. 

Those familiar roads I pass by now and then… they were like a sea of churning waters, some even hasnt subsided yet til now. 

It is way too depressing.

…