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Violin or Cello Strings?
October 15, 2009I am soo strung up. Well, I’ve pretty much admitted to that a long time ago.
And I’ve always said to myself I always have this gut feeling about if someone doesnt like me.
But something just occured to me.
Maybe.. this isnt an extra-ordinary superhuman talent of sensing things but simply a case of stupid paranoia brought about by the recesses of my life’s joy and happiness of being the star cast of each alienation gloriously focused on me.
Someone asked, “why do u shove people away?”
I honestly dont know the precise and exact answer to that. For minutes I stared at the question asked of me. I wanted to say my life story as an excuse to justify that action. I know it wasnt a reason, it wasnt right… but that is the only thing I can do to not prolong agony. Life’s lesson taught me that. I wasnt a confident person. I am not a strong person. They may perceive me to be. That is the reason why these walls are rectified. Shoving people away, is my means to strengthen this wall.
I want to tell that to my friend, that moving away from those who remind me of my past is my means of coping up.
And saying those devious words, I know what reaction I might get from that. I need the majority of that group to hate me, to think somewhat ill of me before I go. Perhaps its a stupid thing to do.. but then again, if I only went away without roughing the waters, I’m afraid I might come back. I love mountain climbing, and if I return, I would be sucked in again in that vicious cycle of pitying myself, of feeling I am yet again casted out. Maybe everybody doesnt do that to me… I could only think of two people who unconsciously does that from the group. But its eating me. Those two guys are center of that world. What am I?
Psychologically incapacitated you might say of me. Well, dont say I didnt declare that the nth time.
Like I said, those are not reasons.. but I need my coping up to live my life as normal as I could. Its very hard to completely forget ghosts that used to haunt me… it was never easy.
Of being ridiculed and bullied, each and everyday of my life in school. Of having no friends to trust cos the one I thought was a friend literally stole from me cos of her envy of my grades soaring past her. Of being bluntly humiliated infront of other colleagues by someone expressingly ignoring my existence on the table and smirking right at it. To mention a few.
People might say forget it and Grow up. I did. And this is how I do it. Shutting them out, instead of letting them hurt me.
Previous Comments
Well, thanks Nobody.
Hurt… maybe cos that’s what I am. And I know I have to “fix myself” first. Fix myself… maybe that’s why people don’t like me cos I don’t like myself.
Maybe that’s the reason why the people I cared about left me.
And well, as for my mountaineering group, I left them before it does more damage to myself.
Maybe I should continue talking to the wall. Hahaha
Posted by jnienna at October 19, 2009, 9:03 am
Wow!
Your words are very strong. Great but hurt at the same time.
Great Blog you have there Madame.
NOBODY
Posted by Nobody at October 17, 2009, 6:16 am