Post Surrealism

Such lies.

And how each is intricately tangled onto half naked truths.

Hideous.

Eternally arrogant.

Of Moment’s Hesitations

Climbing not for despair. I guess it does befit that my letter, I have already given. Of words the paper spoken, of how my emotions had blurred writings made.

If one must go, and so such flutters. I would want nothing  in return. Much had happened ever since; how simple my life was before and now, this coldness is numbing my hands. Can one turn back the hands of time? Even if possible, I guess I would not want to go back. I still would want that silence which passed between our hands.

Such a simpleton..

And so what would she do? I do not know. 

Night Wind Passing

And so there’s this man, my night wind passing me now.

He could probably walk away and I didnt know exactly where I stand in him.

I wish him close, but I could never comprehend well. 

So distant, he would seem. Without much to say, I would think, so this is just what he wants. Trying to move, but I cant. Ensnared enough.

Just as I would move an inch, there he would be, a chess piece closing again. And I would drowned yet again.

I tried to move away… but I would return.

And now he  could walk away.. it’s killing me. Every second of thought. Every second of breeze whenever he pass by.

He could walk away, without really knowing my position. I want to ask, but can I find him? Can he hear my whisper?

How confusion disrupts my soul. I wish I could finally dance.

I tire of this salty mist. 

Blow it to the wind

That’s what you want.

That’s your doing.

No one is to blame, not even him. He confuses you, he did, but you pushed him to such lengths for you to feel that.

Is this how you want it to end?

Yes, it’s only a man. A man who made all others seem so futile, so senseless beings, shallow for their own worth, shallow to their vanity. Someone you can’t possibly reach.

So this is your doing,  and you’re the one now whose vision is as blur as the salty mist crashing down upon your lips.

Your doing and no one to blame…

I just wanted,  I just..

am I not easy to love?

Wake up. Please? And just face the reality…

Damn, I’m a hypocrite.  

Three Roses In One Cold Azure

Three entries on that 21st night, three separate writings yet with one voice in the course of that cold night.

Alba, the Madien’s Blush 

 I suddenly lost ineterest, doesnt take much but I am thankful.

And after that, I think, that after that last episode, I dont want to be like this anymore.

That person died already.

That Bermuda Mystery Rose

I do not know how to actually begin – my eternal dilemma whenever I try to pour thoughts out from its crazy dwelling. How may times have I said that? How many times as well did I say I am changing? That I feel change coming, invading me? Countless I’d say.

I guess there’s always a phase one has to always end. That a chapter in your life closes and you could feel it closing over. That is What I am right now. And where I am right now? Alone on a Friday night, writing, with a bottle of beer beside me. I guess I am a pretty boring person. That I’ve always known. How else I couldn’t fit in easily? Well, getting credit, perhaps in some ways I do. Now it really doesn’t bother me that much. “So what?” I’ll say. I an just trying to live my life, finding ways to make my path happier for the journey I make. But before, I try to belong - always trying to please people around me, wanting to feel that I am accepted, something I’ve always coveted before. Not only for friendship but attention from people I liked – whispers of longing for long-ago forgotten faces whose names I could hardly remember. I am one of those people whose high-school days were a blur, insignificant. I was no one; a nameless face among the sea, a wallflower. But from whence I was before, a far cry with what people would perceive me to be today. Perhaps I was transformed. However late, I guess I bloomed. Yet still, I know I am still the same. My old self lingers and I cannot fight that for it is where I find my inner peace. Such as this Friday night, I am alone, but I chose that. I guess this is how I commune with myself. Specially on times like this, contented with a piece of paper and a pen, music only my ears could hear as I wallow in fine frenzy, literally speaking and not. This One Cell in the Sea album simply accents the mood I am in. I am not tying to be a Holden Caulfield. Not trying to be different from the rest of the world, because I know enough, that I never have to speak of it – I know that I am. Almost everywhere, I feel like a fish out of the deep blue sea. It’s an uneasy feeling, yet I just deal with it.

And on this particular night, what it is that makes it different from the rest of the nights I’ve decided and thought I was changing? None, nothing, there’s no difference. Perhaps it’s just that, for the past month of my life, it was the most eye-opening experience, and that on a certain level, I reached this point where I felt I’ve liberated myself from a fragment of my life I’d call curiosity on things I should have experienced long ago. A phase, a lesson. I drowned myself in the songs of desire just to feel that I exist. Pushed myself outside of the hole, thinking the world could be mine, and then to prove that I am no longer the wallflower that I used to be. I thought this would be happiness, fulfilled to see that in some ways I have the power to manipulate things in the palm of my hand. But no, I realized that. It pained me to see that I have almost lost respect of myself, and then see the world carrying on and I would still feel empty, proving nothing. Only to realize, I am the one being manipulated by fate.

Though yet again, I do not feel regret. I know I needed to go thru such phases for me to become larger than life. It’s nothing much. Through the eyes of the people who see me, I would still be the same, still me and nothing more. But at least for myself, I’ve yet again become different. Such pages to go thru to learn a lesson. Painstaking, yet I grow through the consequences I earned. Maybe someday, I could belong to a place I could say I am assured. No more stitches and pieces of cloth, however soft they might feel under my fingers. Leaves blown to the wind, I should face reality and stop this incessant daydreaming.

I linger in and out of my realm, watching the color of the sky shift its hues. And I think that makes me a better person, than to continue listening to the songs I’ve recently indulged in. I would leave that, left it. In the future, I would want something real – to not borrow portions of time, where I lost myself continuously. Not even knowing if I have solace, even if I’d given truth. Yes, something real. To hear the wind still blowing even after daybreak, that even if I whisper, I know that I am heard amidst the fall of the storm.

Difficulties but there’s always something, there always is something.

A Memorium, Hybrid Tea Rose 

It’s an inevitable thing to experience solitude, when the fire which danced before elevated from something turbulent and unstable. So in the end when you’ve proved to yourself, you could stand on your own, to just smile and not give in, wont one feel better? I guess I do. I knew early on, I am not interested in flashes of light. I find it stupid indeed. Anyway I am going home now. Had quite enough with this and I’m quite drunk. My handwriting’s different.

Why I would say I am in the entertainment Business

We could say that evolution of the human mind could be quite slow for some poor unfortunate ones. Do not believe me? Ah but I could site two! For example, I’ve seen this guy that greatly reminds me of the looks of those who had lived 60,000 years ago. Indeed, just put that white classic earphones and voila! you’ll feel transported back in time, seeing with your very own eyes, a live, breathing and doing a whistle-bait walk Neanderthal! I was contemplating Cro-Magnon but if you would look at this guy I’m talking about, you’d bet on the Pleistocene specimens.

So that is only one. Now we have exhibit B. I would divert topic to George Lucas. Of the hot shot directors Scorsese, Spielberg, Cappola and Lucas ‘cadaness’- this man behind the Star Wars brainchild have still yet to bag a best director award (hmm trivia!). Nevertheless Lucas is still such a genius to think of something like (drumrolls please)… chewbacca! Why would I say that? Again I am constantly being reminded of this fictitous characters everyday of my life. Not to mention the inclusion of seeing Jabba the Hutt almost always unless I ignore him as if I am only just passing some boring wall. Oh well, such creatures we are surrounded with! History and Entertainment all rolled into one. Anyway, I have a friend who could amazingly impersonate this hairy creature sounding like as if he was the one voicing over. BUT, I am veering off topic. So yes, Star Wars characters come to life. Imagine this: a table with two chairs, place a walkie talkie on the surface, give the other chair to chewbacca, make this guy sit on the honorary chair, then I’m betting you this: That if that happens I might perhaps be given priviledge to hear the most intelligent conversation he could utter in his entire life. Where else would one be comfortable in? of course with the family! Though I might say that chewbacca, chewed all the hair off, he took everything for his own selfish reasons. But cousins I’m sure they are. Uhm, so yep, these three I’ve mention seems to share the same genetic epitath if to be based on the binomial nomenclature system- perhaps sharing the same Deoxyribonucleic acid? Oh sorry, no DNA’s ever the same. Maybe let’s just say the three almost have the same genetic imprint. 

Anyway there you have it folks. As colorful as it is, I should have placed an entrance fee at the door -either I could make this place into a museum or simply the stage, limelight given to no-brainer doing the usual boring almost narcissistic drama (i gag on this cause given his neanderthal looks, i almost always forget that mirror was yet to be invented that time).

Sometimes I hate it when I talk that way, I feel like as if I am spilling venom all over without them knowing it- well because for one, with  the metaphors I love to use, and second- didnt I say no-brainer? How could one process something when there’s no place, no brain to process words and thoughts? Anyway, I hate when people ask stupid questions. It’s a good thing that the great barrier reef was made. Though sometimes I could still hear wookiee across, and it’s such a cringe. Imagine a human walkie talkie.

Alright enough of this. Next topic I shall talk about remoras again-the suckers that they are in their full glory! I will post that Biology 101 that I’ve previously written on the forum but just erased it for reasons I cannot disclose here. So I say I am in the entertainment business? Well I’m talking about amazingly entertaining creatures, am I not? 

A little over the Witching Hour

I am now transferring files.

Rather, song files so I’ll have my little harmony later as we cruise and breeze by the breath-taking Cebu countryside onwards where we could get a boat ride going to Malapscua. Enchanting.

You see, I have an 80gb classic yet only a pathetic 3 gb size of mp3s dominates this one worldly treasure I have-but that’s since 1 am. At least I’m catching up. Hey I have an excuse-replacing a motherboard defect would cause me a big chunk off my very little bank account so my pc really have to stay put first. So where am I right now in the wee hours of the morning? Of course, my third home-where the iced tea flows abundantly. 

I am now waiting for the gang to arrive, well they better be here in an hour or I will honestly wring their necks! 

Hmm! At least this things are taking my mind off the usual thing that I bothers my so called labyrinth-complex. I haven’t had any sleep yet, and I’m afraid I will fall asleep later missing out the lush landscapes worthy of my pictures (ok, just an idiot playing photo god). 

And I am excited. To feel the breeze, to realize a frustration (even if I dont have a dSLR), make angels and feel the texture only the sand could give, be one with the life-giving yet languor tranquility of that salty realm, and then finally to wear my favorite high-heeled shoes of the moment with my fabulous bikini (well for me it is).

No boyfriends to hinder me from wearing it, not much locals to put stress on making me feel that the world would end if people see me in a two piece.

Alright at least one of my friends came already!! two hours before take off, a few hours still before I reach heaven on earth!

hehe. here I go. 

A Hot Coffee to Drink

Perhaps I am just tired. Of the complications, of the guessings, of the anxieties.

But to stay and prolong my fantasy-ridden tales,
I am not sure..

An Affair of the Moon

It could have been just a moment
Perhaps nothing of truth, but a smile across
Of a fleeting moment
A flicker of touch

My days will go on by
Different paths might be taken
But I know if I look back
I would simply smile
My sweet cherished memories of borrowed moments
For just like you
I was also cold.
Then you found me.

******************************

Author’s Comments

Having not written anything After a very long time,
these words just poured out of me.

The world I am in right now,
complicated but not.
Happy without expectation.
This is what this poem is about:

And I know its a dangerous path to tread on.

But i’ll face it.

A small something for someone who has given and shown what i could say is a lot… because even if we belong to different worlds, almost impossible me to reach, I am thankful, grateful… to be able to know a side I would never have dared even to dream of knowing.

- written sometime before the 23rd of July, before that night wind flew off, the days of my sunshine.

Of the Past and of Future